I hate the Law of Attraction. And I give up on it.

I really really want to believe in the Law of Attraction. And I do. Things have come into my life strangely, maybe even miraculously, or coincidently. I've manifested some material things, and failed to manifest relationship things.

I've spent a year, about half of it doing Visualizations and Affirmations. Experimenting with just visualizations. Experimenting with just affirmations, and here are some things I've come to learn.
Visualizing something happening, an item, or money, most likely will show up in your life. Wether or not you will possess it, I am not sure. I do not know the factors that bring things to you, I just know that sometimes it just happens.
Affirming something happening, or having it, I just know that sometimes it just happens.
I've experimented with different beliefs. I've tried to built great auras of positivity and light, and confidence, through repetition of affirmations daily. There were times where I feel, I've attracted people and circumstances in my life, and there are times where I feel that I've repelled them.
Here I am now, in a situation where, I am giving up. Wether it be by visualization, or affirmation, it has come to my attention that solidified thoughts are not much more bringing people into my life, as they are repelling. I've tried many different thought forms, and experiments in the other world of thought. I've tried to live my life by the spiritual and metaphysical principles. Giving thanks, hours of meditation, affirmations, visualizations, music, etc.
I'm at a point, where I just ******* Give up. This isn't the first time I've been here, maybe it won't be the last.
One thing I noticed, is when I do certain visualizations, or even affirmations, there becomes a strong, energetic barrier between me and other people. I don't expect anyone here to understand it, nor do I expect it to be explained. I've asked for guidance and explanation from others and received nothing. I don't think people have really had the time like I have had, to really delve 210% into this mode of living. I've given it my everything for the past 12 months.
While I can say, mysterious and unexplainable things happen, the cost of obtaining these things is an unspoken invisible energy field or barrier that brings me grief. It seems to repell people. It seems to work against me at times. It seems to make me feel stifled, trapped, and void of free thinking.
This can come from, about doing 2 days of the same visualization. No one here has any explanation for it. My mind will be clear, and vibrant, yet if I go into this "Visualization." it seems to cut off my connection to source, and others. People feel repelled rather than welcomed, and there you have it. A moment of confidence, talk, and happiness, switched over to repelling of people.
This happened so much, that I decided I would just rely than on affirmations. If my visualizations were creating an invisible, energetic barrier field that seems to drain my energy and repell people, perhaps affirmations would yield different results. But I have found it to be no different.
The only difference is that, affirmations took longer to solidify. I could think of a peice of Cheese for 2 days and it may show up. Or I could say "I have a peice of cheese" and in 2 weeks it would start to materialize. Visualization usually built this energy barrier after 2 days of doing it. Affirmations took about 2 weeks. The results were the same.
I would surely feel a change in the universe, sometimes good, sometimes moderate, but if done exstensively, for instance, a visualization daily for 5-20 minutes; or affirmations done daily, for about 2 weeks; the results were the same.
An energetic barrier that leaves me strangely socially dysfunctional, repelling of people, and a general unpleasant demeanor and existence.
Affirm my way out of it? Tried. The energy is still there. Sometimes, when affirmations were said daily, for 2 weeks, I would feel this slight tension begin to build up wherever I went. For instance, the affirmation, "I have $______ thousand dollars, can go anywhere, and do anything." repeated for 2 weeks, this feeling inside me, I would begin to feel tension.
After consorting with various forums, some would say, "You are in charge of your own feelings, only you can change them." - Which is true. I am in charge of my own feelings. HOWEVER, when one thing is focused on for so long that it begins to create some weird, unbearable force that no longer feels good, than what is there to say? Where are the explanations?
In some ways, I feel I sort of damaged a few of my personal relationships doing this. By creating these energetic barriers, (Simply by visualizing life how I want, or affirming it..) - It seems it has pushed people away. Why would this happen, given I was visualizing happy things, or money, or spending money, or being at certain jobs? i couldn't explain it to you. I have no explanation for it. I've tried visualizing with music very carefully, and while it does seem to put a "Positive energy" in the air, after about 4-5 days what happens is, I feel completely stiff, as if I am stiffened to some universal paradox, some forcefield of energy that I've create for myself.
I am tired of the anxiousness, and the anxiety. I miss sitting there in public, my mind able to drift and not worry about everything going on around me. That only came with no affirmations, no visualizations. Just me as a person, on this planet, given my hands and feet, and my inner ambitions and the willingness to work towards them.
Even simple things like going to the grocery store, or certain places of business become a daunting, energy draining task when in this strange "vortex" of energy, that visualization puts you in. And without any explanation, guidance, or understanding, I can only abandoned these principles as folly. Yes the energy field is there. Yes there are unexplainable things going on when thoughts are projected and, things can come to you, returned. But I am tired of living in this imaginary world.
Living in this world, where your energy repells all other energy. Where it seems that you filter things out, and the other world. Where it seems that you cannot connect with other human beings because your brain is so bent on forcing a certain reality that came from.....?
If we are creators, why does it hurt to create and project that reality onto the real world? Why does my spirit flow with society as it once did? Why is it so hard to flow at all? Where does this unexplained, rediculous anxiousness come from ?
I always used to think that we had to built up to get to certain levels in things, be it anything in life. Wealth, social skill, athletics, etc. Law of attraction changed that for me. Made me feel like, certain things aren't as hard as they seem when we can use the law to our advantage. But so far, all I have been doing is, seemingly attracting small things here and there and creating an enviornment of anxiety and anxiousness, through this weird invisible force.
I asked for answers several times, as the affirmations and meditation no longer gave me answers as to why this happened. I can only trust my own intuitiveness and ask myself, do I want to continue to live in a "Fantasy world" where seemingly, regardless of how much visualization or affirmations I do, the energy is just coming back in a negative way? ... Here's one more scenario.
I can get into my car, and drive in traffic. I can think about things, or drive along the road, cars will pass me, i'll be at a stoplight, and think nothing of it, waiting to continue to the next road.
Yet, if I do affirmations on something specific, for 2 weeks, or even begin to do visualizations for a week straight, I can't just "Drive" through traffic anymore. Instead I feel the energy of every single car, and everyones emotion gleaming off the back of my neck. It's as if energy is being met and repelled or connected, and its uncomfortable. Soon I can't even think for myself as all I can feel is the energy of everyone around me. I'm no longer energetically "anonymous".
It isn't "Just me" because when I rid of all these techniques like affirmations, or visualizations, it seems the air clears. I can think logically again.I can be inspired to do something or take action. I'm no longer on a "one track mind."
I really really want to believe in this stuff, and that it can change my life for the better. But unfortunately, all it has done is just turn me into a closet case. I can't rely on this to bring me more opportunity, or put me in some weird, different, energetic field. I give up on it, because it seems to be doing more harm than good. I know that this LOA is real, unfortunately it just seems to be creating too much negative energy around and within me to be enjoyed anymore.
I shall go back to the real world, where skill, knowledge, experience, dedication, certification, culture, and sacrafice are the tools to reap ones rewards. Too long have I relied on mysticism to give me my answers only to be let down greatly after a year of strict faith and practice.
I wish you all luck in your searches for truth.